Fading Into Black and White
by Emrys MK
Summary: The cost of living can be rather high. If you don't believe me, ask Severus and Harry. Written for Severus's 50th BD. It's not a fluffy/happy fic, but it does have what I consider a hopeful, happy ending.


**Title**: Fading Into Black and White  
**Author**: MK Malfoy  
**Pairing**: Severus Snape/Harry Potter  
**Rating**: PG  
**Warnings**: Angst. You should have guessed that I couldn't write a fluffy fic for Severus's BD. That was my initial goal, but I soon decided that wasn't what I wanted to write, so you get angst.

**Word Count**: 2900  
**Summary**: The cost of living can be rather high. If you don't believe me, ask Severus and Harry.  
**Disclaimer**: Nothing, other than the idea for this story, belongs to me. I make no claim on anything that JKR or her many cohorts own.  
**A/N**: Happy fiftieth birthday, Severus Snape. You will live in our hearts forever.

**~*~**

Eleven years, eight months, seven days, and twelve hours after Severus Snape died from Nagini's venomous bite, the now diminutive shell of a man's failing eyes roamed across the frigid dungeon room that had once served as the Potions classroom. He sat in the same magically transfigured (from an old cedar chest that his mother had given him) chair, behind the same worn desk, and stared at the many centuries-old student desks that still filled the room.

The laboratory had not been used as a classroom since 1997, but, to Severus, it was as if the next lesson was only five minutes away, or so he wished. For a vocation he had so completely deplored for each of his years as a teacher, he now missed his _profession not-of-choice_ and would give everything he had to be able to teach one other student, to impart something of what he knew to one more person.

That was Severus's dream, an unreachable one thanks to the nightmare he now lived on a daily basis: a nightmare he hadn't asked for, nor wanted. Death would be preferable.

He hadn't thought such a thing five years earlier—he had been thankful for his second chance—but now, that second chance dimming, he did think such thoughts.

If only Draco had known what his actions would mean years later.

But he hadn't, and here Severus was ….

As the room began to fade, Severus reset the magic and wanted to give up, but he wouldn't, because that would devastate Draco, and the boy had been devastated enough when he realised what his actions had done.

Severus's eyes looked downward to his desk, specifically, the corner, and that was all it took. Severus closed his eyes as he mouthed the name of the one person he had tried so valiantly not to think about. Would he ever have a day where he could function normally, without wanting to die because the one person he loved was gone? Severus let out a sob and knew it was senseless to try to prevent what would follow.

He cried.

For an hour he cried the cry that grown men who have lost the one they love, more than life, cry.

The memory of that day was so very clear, and Severus remembered every small detail of that day as if it had happened seconds earlier. It was soon after that day that things had begun to fade … in more ways than one.

**~*~**

Someone was approaching; Severus could feel the crackling of magic in the air. Why couldn't they leave him alone, especially on this day? Why couldn't they allow him to live in the past? The present was depressing, and the future seemed worse than hopeless.

"Severus?" called a female voice, more than a bit of concern evident. "Where are you? You were supposed to be in the Great Hall at one."

Before his private domain could be breached, and before anyone could see the evidence of the past hour's longings, Severus retrieved his wand and sent his Patronus, which had long ago taken the form of a stag, rather than a doe. He admired it as it left the room to tell Hermione Weasley that he would be in the Great Hall for his party in fifteen minutes.

It was his birthday.

Severus loathed birthdays. Even as a child, he had hated 09 January. Yet, each year, when this day arrived, the staff of Hogwarts fawned over him as if he were the second coming. It was sickening, but Severus would not dare risk hurting anyone's feelings by telling them how much he disliked such displays.

After all, they all knew how he felt, and they each knew that he secretly craved the attention.

With as much care as he could, Severus stood and walked the few steps to the wall, where his walking stick was resting against the blackboard. His eyes then traveled upward, and he smiled. There were two paper hearts: one black, the other, white, pinned to the area above the blackboard where he had once posted all matter of potions facts. Harry had given the hearts to him a few months before he had … before he had …

… died.

Each morning, as Severus mentally prepared himself for the day ahead, he would sit and stare at the hearts, and tell Harry how much he missed him.

~*~

Fifteen minutes later Severus entered the Great Hall and stood in the doorway as he watched everyone talk and prepare for the festivities. No one turned to acknowledge his entrance, but he knew that everyone was aware of his presence: He couldn't go anywhere anymore without others knowing. It was not safe.

Hermione was setting out napkins and plates, Argus Filch was arranging the gifts, and Astoria Malfoy was decorating the area behind the table. Draco was on the other side of the room, speaking to someone Severus couldn't identify.

Severus wondered what the colors in the room were; seeing everything in grayscale was seeing, but it was not seeing things as they were meant to be seen.

The decorations were probably green and red.

If Harry were here …

"Welcome, Severus," said Minerva, as she walked towards him. "You should come sit down. We have a special gift for you."

As he did each year, Severus gave Minerva a curt nod, then followed her.

Last birthday—number forty-nine—they had given him a new wand. Because his physical limitations placed immense stress on his magic, Severus required a new wand every year. Unfortunately, wands were not cheap, and his funds were almost non-existent. He managed to get by, but just barely. Had it not been for the Malfoys, the Weasleys, and … and …

"Severus, dear, how good it is to see you, again," called out a painfully familiar voice.

Severus turned to see Poppy Pomfrey walking towards him. Memories began flooding his mind and he had to turn away from the Matron. It was all too much: the pain, the smells, the loneliness, the losses, the regret, the everything.

Minutes later a small hand touched his shoulder from behind.

Severus swallowed. No one touched him, no one other than Harry, that is. Severus wanted that hand to belong to Harry, but Harry was gone. Severus closed his eyes and begged someone to rescue him from this hell he was living.

While in Hogwarts, he could not see, hear, or talk without the help of magic, and even when he could see, everything was in black and white. Outdoors, his magic didn't work, thus he never went outdoors anymore. Then there was the fact that he physically ached from the loss of the one person who had given him a reason to live. Harry had been his friend, his lover, his teacher, his eyes and ears outside the castle walls. Harry had been his everything.

Oh how Severus wanted to die.

He wanted that hand to be Harry's, but every want and wish in the world would not make it so.

Then he felt the magic begin to crackle around him; he knew that spell: only approved people could communicate with him. He turned around, and even as he had known deep in his heart that it was not going to be Harry, the proof of that fact was almost more than he could stand. The person was the same one who had been conversing with Draco. Severus had never seen him before. How dare this person, who didn't know him, touch him. Severus took a step back.

"Please come outside with me, Severus," said a soft, melodic voice," a soft smile on the angelic face.

It was a beautiful face, Severus mused, but it was not Harry. Severus shook his head. There had only been one person he trusted to not lead him astray. "I cannot leave the castle. My magic only works within the walls of Hogwarts," Severus added, bitterly, not wanting to have to explain himself, but feeling he must.

"Please, Severus, take my hand. Trust me," said the blond-headed, brown-eyed young man, his hand reaching out as if to grasp Severus's hand, but he let it fall by his side. "Trust him."

Trust who? The magic was fading. Severus reached for his wand to renew it. What had the stranger meant by those words?

"Trust in your love, Severus. Trust in us."

Severus could hear, but only barely. The sounds around him vanished seconds later, and then there was nothing. Had his ears deceived him? Likely, they had.

"Harry?" Severus tried to say, but no words came out of his mouth. Then he felt himself being led outdoors. He knew what he wanted to believe, but he wouldn't allow himself such notions. There was a logical explanation. There had to be.

Harry was dead.

He was not ever coming back.

Severus allowed himself to be led, then they stopped. Severus felt the other person trying to get him to sit down, so he did. Moments later, he felt as something was placed in his lap. Severus felt it move, then whatever it was, licked his face. Severus grimaced, but then smiled. He could smell, and if he was not mistaken, this was a puppy Crup. Severus ran his hands over the small body, then petted the animal. Then there was more licking, and Severus grinned.

~*~

That night, as Severus readied himself for bed, he couldn't stop grinning as he thought about the day's events. They had been too good to be true, and he doubted that any of it had really happened. Perhaps he was soon to wake from this lovely dream and return to his hellish life.

As he removed his trousers, he watched his young seeing-eye Crup walk around the room. With this Crup he would be able to see, hear, and talk. With his Crup, he would get his life back. With this Crup, he could once again try to live.

"The two of you look perfect together, Severus."

Severus looked to his right and tried to smile as Harry entered the bedroom, but he couldn't. He could, however, reach out his hand, so he did. When it was taken, and when the corporeal person joined him on the bed, Severus swallowed. "Are you real?" he asked, his voice trembling. "Please, tell me you are real."

"I'm real, Severus," said Harry, then he leant over and kissed Severus slowly for several seconds, before pulling away.

No. Severus wouldn't allow his imagination to carry him away, not tonight. But here was someone sitting mere inches from him. He said he was Harry; he kissed like he was Harry, but how could he be Harry? Severus squinted as his vision began to blur. "But how? I saw you die; I tried to revive you; I watched as they took you away; I was at the funeral; I looked at your body in the casket; I kissed your cold, blue lips. I begged you to wake up." Severus was now crying, not caring. He needed Harry to see how much he had been missed. "I missed you," came out of his mouth, but the words sounded as if they were spoken by someone underwater. Severus sighed.

Harry caressed Severus's cheek, then retrieved his wand and renewed the magic when he saw Severus go for his own wand. "I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to leave you, Severus. Do you remember that day, in your classroom, when I was sitting on the corner of your desk and started having those convulsions?"

Severus nodded as the same fear revisited him. He had never been so frantic.

"I was sick, Severus. They told me I was going to die. I didn't say anything to you because that is when your vision and hearing started deteriorating. I wanted to help you as much as I could, and as long as I could. I died six months after I had that first convulsion. Then I woke up, I guess it was about two months later."

"But, how?" Severus asked, even as he thought he already knew the answer. One didn't wake from death without help.

"It was Draco, Severus. He did the same thing to me that he did to you. He brought you back to life and he did the same with me, but something went wrong with me. I nearly died again. I've spent the past five years learning to walk and talk again."

Harry said this last sentence with overwhelming sadness, and the reason was so very evident. Severus nodded. This was a lot to digest. "So you will eventually share my fate. You have learned to do all of these things again, and you are going to eventually lose your ability to see and hear and talk. How could Draco do this to you? We knew that it was the potion that caused me to lose my abilities. He swore to all of us that he would never use this potion again." Severus was at a loss.

"Only time will tell, Severus. I might be fine, but, yeah, there is a possibility that I'll end up the same as you. It's not so bad, though," Harry responded, as he stood from the bed and removed his jumper and shoes. "I think he wanted to help you, and the only way he could do that was to keep me alive, Severus." Harry then climbed back onto the bed and propped himself beside Severus. "Besides, he thought he had found the reason that the potion went wrong. He is more upset about all of this than you or I could ever be with him. He was so upset that I think he was thinking about doing something. I found him with a vial, Severus. He won't forgive himself. Please don't be upset with him. He got the Crup for us; his uncle in Siberia raises them and trains them. She'll be able to be our eyes and ears when we need her to be."

Severus glanced over at the Crup, who was playing with one of his slippers. Yes, she would help them. Severus nodded. Maybe he needed to have a talk with Draco and forgive him for everything. Sometimes things just happened, and it was no one person's fault. Severus remembered how somber Draco had looked earlier in the day as he had talked to a Polyjuiced Harry. "I want to forgive him, Harry, but what he did is unforgivable. He has sentenced you to a hell no one should have to live. I know this because it is the life I lead each day."

Harry frowned. "Up until now, you have lived this hell alone. Now you have me, Severus. Yeah, it stinks that this is our fate, but I am so happy that you got another chance at life. If you hadn't, we would have never found each other and we would have never fallen in love, and we would have never had the hot sex." Harry grinned and winked.

Severus couldn't argue with any of that. He leant over and kissed Harry. "This morning, I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking that each birthday without you was one too many. So many nights during the past few years I have wished to never awaken. Now I am afraid to go to sleep for fear you'll be gone when I wake."

"But you know if I'm gone, I'll always come back, Severus. No matter my physical abilities, and no matter yours, I love you and will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. What do you think about that?"

Severus retrieved his wand and banished his and Harry's clothing. "I think that an admirable plan, but before you begin showing me, I want to show you. You gave me the best birthday present by being alive, so now I want to return the favor. I love you, Harry."

"I love you, Severus, and Happy Birthday, Mr half a century Snape," said Harry, grinning, his green eyes shining with love.

"Brat."

~*~

An hour later, as Harry slept, Severus quietly slipped out of bed, retrieved a torch from the wall, and walked to his classroom. He sat at his desk, looked at the two hearts, and smiled. Harry had given him black and white hearts because colors had almost completely faded from Severus's spectrum, and Harry hadn't wanted Severus to see the hearts and know they were a color other than that which he could see.

Harry had always seen things through Severus's eyes: the good and the bad.

Now Severus thought he could see through Harry's and Draco's eyes. Sometimes you did things with the best of intent, yet they turned out badly.

Not many things had ever been, nor ever would, be black or white … but there were some things that were definitely black and white.

Two paper hearts were proof of that.

**~*~**


End file.
